The Boston Globe, November 2, 2006
Blame it all on the gay agenda
They're right! They finally nabbed us red-handed!
By Steve Kluger
It’s finally happened. We’ve been exposed. With the recent ruling by the New Jersey
Supreme Court requiring equal marital rights for same-gender couples, the
Homosexual Agenda has been outed by our spiritual leaders—who urge Americans
to vote Republican on Election Day in order to preserve our few remaining national
What’s there left to do but come clean? Although we’ve attempted to keep our covert
ops cloaked in diverting sequins, there’s no plugging the leaks that have revealed
our subversive intentions. It’s the Pentagon Papers all over again.
The truth began to emerge last week when a male couple was wed in
Massachusetts. Twenty minutes later, three heterosexual marriages fell apart in
Kansas City. Under ordinary circumstances, one of our operatives would
have been present to hide the evidence under a stack of Liza Minnelli CDs, but he
was watching an episode of I Love Lucy with his nine-year-old niece so that she
could go forth and recruit her young friends in fourth grade.
And marriage isn't the only institution we've infiltrated. In fact, we're present in every
headline that frightens you—you just don’t know it yet.
● The E.coli outbreak in spinach originated in California’s Salinas Valley, known for
decades as “The Salad Bowl.” It doesn’t exactly take a degree in sociology to figure
out which minority would name a massive slab of the state’s geological plate after a
fresh vegetable medley. And this was before the nearby Santa Lucia Mountains
were rechristened the Tong-and-Cruette Range.
● Osama bin Laden remains at large. We’re not exactly proud to claim him as one of
ours, but in the interest of national security we’re morally required to reveal that he
moonlights as an internationally beloved drag queen—and we can’t keep track of him
either. He was last spotted in Detroit as Carol Channing (his fave), but sources in
the gay Taliban tell us that he’s been working on a fabulous Barbara Bush. You go,
● Our president is not to be reviled for entangling us in a war with Iraq. When U.S.
reconnaissance aircraft flew over that country in 2002, they inadvertently filmed the
Baghdad Pride Parade. No doubt it was the Joan Crawford float that was mistaken in
Washington for a weapon of mass destruction. It could happen to anyone.
● Don’t believe that global warming is the result of fossil fuel emissions or SUVs
parked in spaces marked “Compact Only.” Check the graphs at the Environmental
Protection Agency and note that the temperature spiked with the boxed-set DVD
release of “The Complete Barbra Streisand.” Then imagine the catastrophic energy
consumption when nineteen million disc players are programmed to repeat the
ironically titled “Don’t Rain on My Parade” as a continuous loop.
● Yes, the North Koreans are playing with nukes. But the threat from Pyongyang
might have been avoided if those hiding in the Pentagon closets had been
monitoring Kim Jong-il instead of super-cute Kayne Gillaspie on Project Runway.
This was merely our diversionary tactic so that nobody would be paying attention
when we slipped onto military bases around the world and convinced all the troops to
turn gay. The generals were right after all. It’s that easy.
● Children need to be protected from the most hazardous predator currently stalking
them: A Chorus Line. It recently opened on Broadway to near-unanimous acclaim—
and if legislative action is not taken immediately, there won’t be any boys left for the
NFL to draft in 2016 who aren’t wearing tap shoes and tights.
● And since it’s going to come out sooner or later anyway, you might as well know
that Ethel Merman was a man.
So before you vote on November 7th, remember that the escalating decay we suffer
as a nation is not due to a dishonest and immoral war, nor to an ethic that drives
school children to acquire assault weapons for show-and-tell, nor to a callous
disregard of the natural resources that we’ve plundered into near-extinction. Instead,
blame it all on two anonymous guys in New Jersey who just want to pledge their lives
to one another.
Then listen to your heart.