YOU GOTTA HAVE HEARTBURN
Here's the best and worst culinary fare found at big league concession stands

by Steve Kluger and Colleen Wilson

THE WINNERS

1.  MILWAUKEE BREWERS.  Bratwurst, knackwurst, Polish sausage and three different kinds of
hot dogs, smothered in barbecue sauce or sauerkraut.  If you're slumming, try the broiled steak
sandwiches and roast beef, stuffed with freshly baked French rolls.

2.  
ST. LOUIS CARDINALS.  The chili dogs are a religious experience, with pizza that's positively
Papal.  Enjoy how the Frozen Spoon malts turn into pure cream on the way down and then ask
yourself why the Cardinals don't cater.

3.  
TEXAS RANGERS.  The charbroiled sausages are in first place, and the ribs belong in the Hall
of Fame.  Everything except the soft drinks is basted in barbecue sauce, most notably the beef-
and-cheese patties that have long since made Texans forget the Alamo.

4.  
ATLANTA BRAVES.  Frankly, my dear, these are the only edible nachos in the major leagues,
served with the smokiest franks in the South.  If the homegrown chili isn’t enough to make you
whistle Dixie, the barbecued pork will.

5.  
NEW YORK METS.  The magic is back, and it’s all in the hot dogs.  They aren’t two feet long,
they aren’t doused with spices, and they bear no cute names.  They’re just terrific.  And save
room for the crispy fries that have the springtime color of a new glove.

THE LOSERS

1.  KANSAS CITY ROYALS.  The entire menu suffers from acute anemia.  The franks are small
and flavorless, the French fries taste like old horsehide, and the potato chips squish.  Perhaps the
waterfall in right field explains why everything’s soggy.

2.
 CHICAGO CUBS.  The main attraction is the red-hot, which looks delicious and smells great.  
Now if only it had a flavor.  The French fries have the consistency of loosely packed gravel.  Most
everything else is pre-wrapped, pre-frozen, preheated and pre-awful.

3.
 BOSTON RED SOX.  You may climb the wall if you bite into a dog here.  Its not-quite-cooked
quality will give you the impression that it’s about to do something unnerving—like sit up.  As for
the buns, if they contain any fiber, it’s gotta be rayon.

4.
 DETROIT TIGERS.  Tiger Stadium is one of the oldest ballparks in the major leagues—and the
food is obviously left over from that first Opening Day in 1912.  The franks are stale, the mustard
is brown when it shouldn’t be.  Pack a lunch.

5.
 SAN DIEGO PADRES.  Mealy, mushy hot dogs that disintegrate on sight, congealed
condiments and nacho chips that are covered with pasteurized rubber cement.  Altogether, about
as appealing as hepatitis.
.