SUGGESTIONS FOR PISSING OFF JASON CORNELL:
1. When he gives you the signal for a change-up, brush him off, then throw it anyway.
2. Remind him constantly that you’d rather be pitching to Yogi Berra.
3. When he’s warming you up in the bullpen and asks you to take it easy on his hand, throw fastballs.
4. Volunteer to help out with the gear on the road trip to Oakland, then make sure his equipment winds up in Seattle.
5. When he’s quoting baseball stats and claiming he has total recall, tell him so does a VCR, only they don’t cost $750,000 a year.
6. When he calls a mound conference and implies that your fastball is rising away on him, tell him it’s because he’s too short.
7. Ask him if his slow reflexes are an acquired trait or hereditary.
8. Tell him you accidentally broke all of the teeth in his comb, then watch him panic.
9. Remind him constantly that you’d rather be pitching to Johnny Bench.
10. If he ever goes into a batting slump, imply that you know what he’s doing wrong, but don’t tell him.
11. The next time he tells you he’s having trouble seeing your change-up, suggest he cut his hair.
12. Wait until he puts on all of his gear, then tell him he’s wearing your undershirt, and make him give it back.
13. Imply to the press that his jockstrap is a boys’ medium.
14. Wait until the next time they’re taking pictures of him for Sports Illustrated, then ask him why all of his teeth are capped.
15. When the bases are loaded with no outs and he asks you what you’re going to pitch to Robin Yount, make him guess.
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